Reds and pinks

    It's Valentine's Day. I always loved this day. I wish there was more days like this throughout the year were you can celebrate the loves in your life, besides Christmas and Birthdays, and it not seem over done. I tell my husband everyday that I love him, even when I'm the most angry with him. Sometimes I say it because there is nothing else to say. Some people think saying it too much subtracts from the meaning in the words. But it doesn't.  I'd rather hear it too much than not enough. So I'll say it too much, even though it never feels like I say it enough.

Happy Valentine's Day.

James
I love you

5 things

    I have next to no self esteem. People, books, websites and more tell me to 'love me for me', that 'I have to love myself before I can ever truly love someone else, etc. I can honestly say I love James more than myself. My kids more than myself. In fact some days I hate myself. Sure everyone automatically shoots this down but I can't except there points no matter if they're valid, meaningful or neither. In my perspective most if not all people dislike or even hate something about themselves. You know what, that's ok and normal. We're human and no matter that people want us to love ourselves and each other we can't escape our own minds. We are our own worst enemies, always tougher on ourselves than ANYONE else. 

    I'm not going to tell you to convince yourself you're perfect and should love yourself. What I will tell you is we're human and no matter what you love or hate about yourself, it's ok. If it is possible to truly love yourself (in a non vain way) then the road there is taken in baby steps. You can't (normally) wake up and decide that you're perfectly happy with yourself. You'd be lying to yourself. It's a process. It takes time. Like everyone says there are no real short cuts in life. Admitting you dislike anything or like anything about yourself it hard for a lot of people. If people really knew how people feel about themselves they'd feel vulnerable.

Well here are my top 5 things I hate about myself.
- I hate how no matter how I am I will never feel like a good enough wife to James or mother to my kids. I constantly feel like a failure, even if I'm not.
- I hate how I tend to forgive people to quickly, forget so easily. But when I need to forgive most importantly I can't let it go.
- I hate how I always care what people think, and value their opinions above my own.
- I hate that I am a perfectionist.
- I hate the number on the scale and the extra weight I carry yet constantly try to lose. The scars from my children.

    Do you know why I think it's healthy to have these dislikes? Because once I acknowledge them, I then can either learn to live with them, accept them and eventually not have them as things I hate but maybe cherish. Or once I acknowledge them, then I will have the power to accept them and change them. Like I said loving yourself isn't a over night spurt. If it were there wouldn't be so many sad people.

So to lighten up my post a touch. Here are the top 5 things I love about myself :-)

- I love that I chose James as my husband, and that he chose me. He is the best man God could have designed, just  for me.
- I love that I chose to have so many beautiful children. They truly are a gift, even at their worst.
- I love the family that raised and shaped me into who I am today.
- I love my imagination and creativity, it is endless.
- I love how open minded I am.

What a weekend

    Sorry I haven't posted since Friday and I didn't update on my weight loss. So here's quick update. Had to quit Hydroxy Cut, it was making me sick and shaky. Haven't had much opportunity to exercise, and walking for exercise was next to impossible with it being below 0 most days. So to say the least my quick little diet fail miserably. But all is well. I still felt beautiful on Saturday for ,y husband's work party.

    Life has been pretty crazy. All day Friday my sisters and I shopped. Looking for the right dresses and shoes, getting our nails done, pedicures, eyebrows waxed, buying make up. We did so much but the shopping spilled over into Saturday. When we finally finished shopping we had to get ready because most people know that it takes a woman hours to get ready. I had to dye my hair, shower, shave, curl my hair, and put on make up. Put on deodorant and perfume. Put on all kinds of jewelry and then the dress and shoes.  Attempting to look your best as a woman does take A LOT of time.
I felt soooo beautiful.

    Then Sunday the day after, I was suffering from some food poisoning.
Mondays are usually hectic for most people. Especially when kids stayed up late the night before. Then having to make up the household chores from the last few days. Helping kids with homework, making dinner. My sweet husband took me on a date last night, too.

So there's my excuses to not posting in a few days.

It's February

    Yay! Two of my sisters and I are going out today to get our nails done, eye brows waxed, etc... a fun girl day. I'm super excited. We get to get all dolled up for our husbands' annual work party.  I love it. It gives me an excuse to glam up.  I love it. I don't have much time for a post this morning. I hope everyone has the chance, even if it's only once a year, to dress up and feel beautiful, handsome, glamorous, sexy, enchanting, ravishing, Anything. It's good for the spirit, the soul. 

Lazy cold

    I know I have seemed very lazy. I have in fact been lazy. This freezing winter weather has eaten away at me and is settling in my bones. It's hard to have the drive to do things, simple things, so hard to have the energy. I'm spread too thin amongst all the things in my life, parents, sisters, in-laws, children, daily chores, problems, hobbies, and trying to write. Some days I forget to make breakfast. Some days I don't clean or cook at all. Sometimes I don't get laundry done for days, and often it doesn't get folded and put away before it is worn and needs to be washed again. Some days life itself is too much. Some days certain people just make my blood boil by talking to me. Some days I just want to curl up in bed, snuggle with my kids and husband and watch tv or movies all day. 

    I love winter and the snow but I miss having energy. The cold just tires me out and slows me down. Sure that wasn't a problem in high school, but now that I have 6 kids, and a wonderful husband, being tired is a costly effect of the winter. So even though it's -5 degrees outside, and all I want to do is snuggle with my babies, and read. I am going to try to not be lazy today. Do some household chores, read and write, then maybe I can be a little lazy and get cozy with my little snugglebugs (my kids). 

Suzzles

    Today is my sister's birthday. James and I got to go see a movie with her and her husband last week. We saw I, Frankenstein. It was OK, better than I thought it would be. She has a really cute family. A good husband two beautiful girls and a charming baby boy. I didn't post last Thursday because I was helping her pack and move.

    When we were little people would mistake us for twin even though we didn't look alike at all and I was a year and some older than her. She was someone I admired. I wouldn't mind being her twin. I would have loved it. It was much like how a little sister wants to be just like her older sister, except I was the older sister wanting to be like the younger. Most of my adolescent life I  looked up to her, liked anything she liked. She was so edgy and cool. Rebellious. She didn't care whether or not she was ever in trouble. She was so beautiful in my eyes. I wasn't any of that in my eyes. I was a goody-two-shoes, preppy, square.
    She listened to cooler music than what I did. She introduced me to Third Eye Blind, Green Day, Goo goo Dolls, Matchbox 20 and many more. I was listening to Backstreet Boys and Hanson. She dressed grunge. Lose pants and shirts. I was wearing everything tight. But I wanted to be like her.
    I didn't find my own until high school. where I discovered my own opinion. She introduced me later to my husband. He was her husbands best friend. Because of them I had the beginning of the rest of my life. I don't know if James and I would have ever, met or dated.
    We had our oldest kids 2 days apart. Our lives have been usually very intertwined with each other. We have had many rough patches. But we're sisters, it happens and we have to move past them eventually. I am glad we have. I do envy how her relationship is stronger with other sisters, at least we have a good one She is so talented with drawing and photography I am jealous of her amazing talent. She has been such an amazing friend, listening to  my constant complaints about certain daily stresses. She never makes me feel judged. She has such a big heart.

Happy Birthday Suz. I love you and I am so blessed to have you in my life.   

It was a lazy day

    Ok so I know I didn't post anything yesterday. Trying to recover from Sunday was hard. That game was a disaster. So today I'm going to take it easy. I'm going to snuggle with my husband watching Being Human. I absolutely love this show. I watch the U.S. version. I bet the U.K. version is just as good. Maybe we'll have soup who knows I get to hang out with my love on his day off. We might even play games, Yay WOW! O how I miss it. Bring on my snuggles.

XLVIII

Here's some of the food I plan on making for the Superbowl today.

First I am going to make...

Boilermaker Tailgate Chili

From Allrecipes.com

 4 pounds ground beef chuck

 2 pounds bulk Italian sausage

 6 (15 ounce) cans chili beans, drained

 2 (15 ounce) cans chili beans in spicy sauce

 4 (28 ounce) cans diced tomatoes with juice

 2 (6 ounce) cans tomato paste

 2 large yellow onion, chopped

 6 stalks celery, chopped

 2 green bell pepper, seeded and chopped

 2 red bell pepper, seeded and chopped

 4 green chile peppers, seeded and chopped

 2 tablespoons bacon bits

 8 cubes beef bouillon

 1 cup beer

 1/2 cup chili powder

 2 tablespoons Worcestershire sauce

 2 tablespoons minced garlic

 2 tablespoons dried oregano

 1 tablespoon and 1 teaspoon ground cumin

 1 tablespoon and 1 teaspoon hot pepper sauce (e.g. Tabasco™)

 2 teaspoons dried basil

 2 teaspoons salt

 2 teaspoons ground black pepper

 2 teaspoons cayenne pepper

 2 teaspoons paprika

 2 teaspoons white sugar

 2 (10.5 ounce) bags corn chips such as Fritos®

 2 (8 ounce) packages shredded Cheddar cheese

Directions

(NOTE: Recipe directions are for the original serving size of 12.)

Heat a large stock pot over medium-high heat. Crumble the ground chuck and sausage into the hot pan, and cook until evenly browned. Drain off excess grease.

Pour in the chili beans, spicy chili beans, diced tomatoes and tomato paste. Add the onion, celery, green and red bell peppers, chile peppers, bacon bits, bouillon, and beer. Season with chili powder, Worcestershire sauce, garlic, oregano, cumin, hot pepper sauce, basil, salt, pepper, cayenne, paprika, and sugar. Stir to blend, then cover and simmer over low heat for at least 2 hours, stirring occasionally.

After 2 hours, taste, and adjust salt, pepper, and chili powder if necessary. The longer the chili simmers, the better it will taste. Remove from heat and serve, or refrigerate, and serve the next day.

To serve, ladle into bowls, and top with corn chips and shredded Cheddar cheese.

I love this recipe. I have been making it for years, I usually leave out the hot pepper sauce though,

I did end up leaving out the sauce and the beer because I didn't have any.

I also was thinking of making these...

Restaurant-Style Buffalo Chicken Wings

from Allrecipes.com

Makes  25 servings 

 2-1/2 cups all-purpose flour

 1-1/4 teaspoons paprika

 1-1/4 teaspoons cayenne pepper

 1-1/4 teaspoons salt

 50 chicken wings

 oil for deep frying

 1-1/4 cups butter

 1-1/4 cups hot sauce

 5 dashes ground black pepper

 5 dashes garlic powder

Directions

NOTE: Recipe directions are for the original serving size of 5.

In a small bowl mix together the flour, paprika, cayenne pepper and salt. Place chicken wings in a large nonporous glass dish or bowl and sprinkle flour mixture over them until they are evenly coated. Cover dish or bowl and refrigerate for 60 to 90 minutes.

Heat oil in a deep fryer to 375 degrees F (190 degrees C). The oil should be just enough to cover wings entirely, an inch or so deep. Combine the butter, hot sauce, pepper and garlic powder in a small saucepan over low heat. Stir together and heat until butter is melted and mixture is well blended. Remove from heat and reserve for serving.

Fry coated wings in hot oil for 10 to 15 minutes, or until parts of wings begin to turn brown. Remove from heat, place wings in serving bowl, add hot sauce mixture and stir together. Serve.

I haven't tried to make these yet but they sound good.

I also made some potato skins and sausage stuffed jalapenos.

P.S. I didn't do very well on the wings. Maybe next time.

We have so much food, my brother in-law bought chips and salsa, taquitos and pizza rolls.

So many road blocks

    So for the last month or so I have been struggling with the book I have been developing in my head since I was 12 or younger. I have suffered writer's block , and have even given up a few times and trashed the whole story. But it nags at me like I need to tell it. My problem lately isn't really writer's block, so much as I am a perfectionist and I want to write it as well as possible the first time. I'm not expecting it to be perfect or  good enough to be a final draft but I don't want it to be crap. I have been reading many web pages to help me write better. I don't want a bland spineless plot or flat characters. I want it all to be enjoyable to read. 
    I have realized with all of my reading of those online tutorials and books I have bought. That I am missing important ingredients to my story. Right now i feel like I have a big soupy mess of thoughts, ideas, reactions, people. But there's something missing.

    I have realized one thing in the last moth of struggle and reading how to write, is that I am doing it the wrong way. Some might say there isn't really a wring way but let me tell you there is and I am doing it was doing it. I thought there was a specific set in stone way. That's just the square in me, the OCD part that begs perfect of everything I do. So now with this realization, I can go into this story feeling better about what I write, even if it's not good at first I can make it better.

To say the least I have been my own biggest road block if all.

Wish me luck.

TGISaturday

Capricorn horoscope for Feb 1 2014

    If you're feeling overwhelmed today - and it's likely that you are - then you need to find a way to lighten your load. Being a driven and hard-working Capricorn, you may be tempted to work until you drop, but if you do you will compromise your creativity and ultimately the quality of your work. Either reach out and get yourself an extension if possible on one of your bigger projects, or take some time to take a break and restore your energy. If you do you will be far more productive.
--
Copyright © Daily Horoscope.

    I know I wasn't raise to believe in horoscopes but that is how I feel today EXACTLY.
So I'm going to take it easy today, life has been piling it on. So I'm going to sit and enjoy some games today maybe. I have a good post planned for tomorrow. Also today is my little  niece's birthday so happy birthday Em, I hope today is awesome for you. 

Letters to God

    I can honestly say in the last 13 years there has never been a time in my life where I didn't find comfort in the sound of Tom DeLonge's voice. His voice could make  me feel in love, happy, and it was something I latched to when sad. Whether he was in Boxcar Racer, Blink 182, Angels and Airwaves. His music always made the day better and life survivable at times.

    His lyrics always moved me, and his voice always made them sink deep within me. There are many singers out there who have a similar effect on me, but his have had the deepest impacts and, longest.

This is one song that I love. It helps me through hard times, it was my favorite when my grandma died.

                                                                  "Letters To God"

caught off guard
all worked up
the air is as dark and cold as night
let me go
i'm not done
i swear i'll take just one lifetime and i

i won't lie
i won't sin
maybe i don't wanna go
can't you wait
maybe i don't wanna go

i should've asked
i could've helped
at least a fucking 1,000 times before
will this offer get me in
or does this prove that they gave more and i

i won't lie
i won't sin
maybe i don't wanna go
can't you wait
maybe i don't wanna go

and i
i won't lie
i won't sin
maybe i don't wanna go
can't you wait
maybe i don't wanna go

and i
i won't lie
i won't sin
maybe i don't wanna go
can't you wait
maybe i don't wanna go

Lyrics are from of A-Z lyrics

Here's also a lyric video of the song From YouTube.com

I hope everyone can enjoy his voice as much as I do.
Thank you Tom DeLonge for making the music you do.

Weight loss Wednesday

    I just found out I have a little less than 2 weeks to lose some weight before my husband's annual party for work. I understand weight is a sensitive issue among all women, all people. Most can't lose it, some can't gain it. It is a sore spot for all in this society. I know I'm blessed to have the body, shape, and weight I do for someone who has had 6 kids. My whole point is you should love you for you, and if there is something you want to change then change it. I think people should be happy with themselves. So even thought I look good for someone who had 6 kids, I want to look better and be healthier for me. I want to feel beautiful and elegant. I want to look like a trophy wife at the party.

    My ultimate goal is to lose 12+lbs. It's not a lot but they're stubborn. I hope I'll lose at least 5. I am 132lbs. I'm also 5'2" so 132lb isn't light. I have put off working out and eating right so much. I'm so tired and busy with my family that I'll forget or think I'll start next Sunday. Nope. Never works. I woke up this morning and thought 'If I don't start today I might never start. This will be day 1 for me. I am going to limit sugar and grains. I will exercise. I am taking Hydroxy Cut. But more for the energy it gives me, than for the diet pill side of it. God knows I need energy.

I'll post my loses or gains on Saturday February 8th. The day of the party. Wish me luck.

Here I am no make up or touching up. Letting it all show.

My love

    Yesterday was my wonderful husbands birthday. I have had the privilege to be with him for the last 9. I feel so blessed to have met such a wonderful person. We have had bad times, and good, we have gone through so much together. I can't imagine the life I'd have without him in it. The person I would be. He is my center. I love him with all of my heart and all want for him is his happiness.

    I remember the first time I saw him. I thought he was gorgeous. So did MANY other girls. All of the freshmen girls called him the Hot Senior. My friend who introduced us called him "The Bod". Ever since that day I would walk from my eighth period class to the bus a different way just to watch him playing catch with his friends. My heart always raced (and still does) when I was near him. We never talked in school. My friend who introduced us said he was her boyfriend, or one of them. Later I found out he never was. I am glad, though, that we didn't date in high school. He was a teen boy and his mind really was only on one thing back then. I don't know if we would have worked out back then without the experiences that formed us into who we were when we first dated.

    Our first kiss was completely peer pressured, I'm glad it was though. My sister and her husband (who was his best friend) invited me to their Halloween party. I couldn't decide if I wanted to go or not but I had to go. My hair was short and spiky and a beautiful blue back, almost completely coated in glitter. I was very afraid of his rejection. I had had my heart broken several times that year by one guy. Even though I was afraid, he was worth the possible rejection. I wore my favorite evening gown from homecoming the year before. It was a navy blue halter dress with multicolored glitter all over it and a tiny train. It was so form fitting I felt so beautiful. I don't know why I didn't dress up as anything but I just wanted to be beautiful in case he was there. I showed up and he was there he was a little drunk. He was dressed as a zombie motorcyclist. I met him in the hall and talked to him. He was upset he and his girlfriend had broken up. It was so hard to feign sympathy when inside I felt like jumping for joy. We ended up hanging out inside my sisters room with her and her husband watching movies. They knew I liked him. They urged us to snuggle and cuddle. Through out the night they kept nagging us to kiss. I felt so embarrassed. Eventually we caved and kissed so they'd leave us alone. If only I had known then he liked me too. Maybe I wouldn't have been so scared or shy. I remember sitting in front of him with his arms wrapped around me, watching movies. Leaning on him. This guy I had had a crush on for over a year. The Hot Senior, The Bod. I can barely remember what movies we watched, I couldn't hear or think over my heart beating so fast and hard and my praying he couldn't feel it, too. It was an amazing night and two days later he invited me over to watch The Matrix with him. After the movie he asked me to be his girlfriend. Obviously I said yes. The rest is history.

    Like I said earlier we have had our good times and our bad. But I love him more than anything. My heart still beats frantically when I see him. Hear his voice. He truly is an amazing man. I can't wait to spent the next 60+ birthdays with him. God willing.

Happy birthday James. You're the best husband I could have ever hoped for.

I love you  more each day. 

2 years

    So long and yet so fast.
Its been over two years since my last post. So much in my life has changed. My family has grown. I have another son who is one now. Two little nephews, one is about 8 months old and another who is about 4 months. Beautiful babies. I have moved. I am hoping to move again soon, to find a home of my own. I have built up some old relationships, formed new ones, while others have sadly diminished.
 My husband  and I are still hopelessly in love. We have our good days and bad but there aren't very many bad ones. He is so amazing, and strong through all of the crap we have been throught together. He is such a blessing in my life. My oldest is getting tall and emotional. I love him and I hope puberty isn't as hard on him as I fear it might be. If he is anything like his biological father he will be taller than me in no time. He's 10 and comes up to my nose. My oldest daughter has begun to be emotional as well. I am worried their puberty is going to be the end of me. I love them, but I don't know how to help them through this. This is all new to me in the aspect of being a parent. My 3rd  is in school now. He seems to love it. He has friends which I thank God for. My fourth will begin in Kindergarten in the summer when my oldest begins 6th grade. I can 't believe it, middle school. My fifth is such a beautiful little drama queen. She acts like a teenager trapped in a two year old's body. And my yougest is a fun little mess of a boy. He can't make it through the day being clean.
     I have picked up another hobby almost two years ago. I was pregnant with my youngest and I didn't know if he was a he or a she and I began making hair bows. I was a little surprised (shouldn't have been) when we found out he was a boy. I hope to begin to blog again and hopefuly get up to everyday.
 I still love to write. I am still writing the story I began 15+ years ago. I must write it or I won't be able to move past it or grow as a writer.

I hope that this blog will help me grow. Wish me luck.