For you

    Life has been pretty upside down and busy lately with moving and kids starting school. These last two weeks have been stressful to say the least. I hope that everything will fall into place and daily life won't be so difficult. With being so busy it's been very hard to post anything. My mentality alone is so wrapped up in daily things that single simple ideas for posts escape me. I have been fighting depression. That is mostly because I have been so busy being mom I'm forgetting myself. Everything is changing and it's hard to adjust. Everything feels new from cleaning, to cooking, to the kids schools, laundry. Everything is new and different. I know I wouldn't be feeling so down if I would just do things that are for me. I eat and I shower but those are for my physical body. My mind, spirit needs escape, release, stimulation.
    That's one thing every mom I know does. Is neglect themselves. Dad's too. Sometimes you have to step back and take a breath, take a break. Be you. Do what makes you You. That's why I love writing. I may not blog enough. But I write. I imagine. I feel. I experience, I play. I miss painting, and I miss learning guitar.
    Kids are not supposed to be a burden, distraction, or subtraction from you. They are an addition. Don't forget you are apart of your life's equation. Just breath and do something for you.

Leaves in the wind

  So my life has been tossed up in the air like leaves in the wind and I'm just slowly waiting for it all to settle. My sister, her husband and their tiny baby girl got evicted and came to live here. It's a bit crowded here already so James decided we're moving so I have been busy packing. Just trying not to feel sad about not getting to paint for a while, or do much for a while. My kids caught hand, foot and mouth disease (worst name ever) a few weeks ago. That was (not) fun. My video card on my desk top went out even though its one of the newest things in my computer. So that knocks out my WoWing for a while. That's ok. It makes me focus on my writing. I don't need my desk top. I don't need to unpack anything (yet). All I need is a paper and pen/pencil. My kids are going to be at a new school with new people. I would be lying if I said I wasn't worried. I'm terribly worried but I am trying to not show them. Smiling through it. My husband is trying to get into a different part of his work with better pay. This next while is going to be challenging. But hopefully I'll be able to blog more and write more. I have been fighting a bit of depression lately, really really struggling with self doubt, and simply just carrying around a worlds weight in stress. I am NOT good at de-stressing.
   I guess all I can do is breath, and take each day by day, each moment by moment this tough patch will soon be behind us. I am hopeful this minor depression will leave. I haven't had a deep depression in a long time, and I refuse to let myself to get there again. It was not good. My husband and kids need me too much to fall back in that pit. I think they are some of the main reasons I keep my head above water. Anytime I am feeling it, I go on auto pilot and power through. I focus on them, and make them the priority over myself until my funk is gone. It has been at bay for over 4 years. I am not saying I haven't been depressed just not in deep where I don't see any light at the end of the tunnel.
   Lately when I start having a blue day or over-stressing life and the curve balls it's been throwing I just remind myself that NO matter what I go through, how hard it gets it's not the end of the world. It will continue turning, the plants will keep growing, the water will keep flowing, and people have and do survive worse than my trivial struggles in this economy.
   I don't know if my words would help anyone who struggles with depression. Because even though I know how it feels. I also know when I am in deep, I can't hear or feel any hope no matter how inspirational or touching the truth is. I support of Jared Padalecki's campaign of #AlwaysKeepFighting and Jensen Ackles' and Misha Collins' campaign #YouAreNotAlone . So if you're dealing with issues of depression and anxiety, I just want to say Always keep fighting, and You are not alone. If you ever need someone to talk to there is always someone who will listen.

A quote from Jensen Ackles that has helped me a lot is "Be strong in the moments where you want to be weak."

I wish you all good luck and positive thoughts while you watch where your leaves land.